Grief

3 days ago a friend of mine from the CA program passed away Ivory B... I'm so grateful to him for the contributions he made to the CA program and those around him who truly wanted to recover.... This brought up soooo many memories of my mother's passing ... Just when you think you've worked through some things to find out there's still this is painful as the day they happened.

Then yesterday we get the news of my daughter in laws father Ted passing.
It hurts so bad to see her hurting. The pain of losing your father  I lost my father in 1985... That was devastating to me as my father was my whole world.

As the cycle of life continues to go around I watch my grandchildren play in the backyard swimming and making up stories.... And they're sad little faces as they walk through the house with the realization to what is going on and the impact it will have on their life.

Being present in the moment is all I can do right now . Being able to help where needed and  to remove myself when not needed.

You will be missed Ted and Ivory ... rest in peace .

 May the spirit of God comfort your family

originally type in August posted in October 2014

Self-Sabotage

Okay so now what ... what do we do now ...  are you still sitting there thinking about it?  I can give you a list of different things that you shouldn't be doing "procrastination"... is one... procrastination is a term that really gets kicked around a lot but it really boils down to is putting things off for your future self to handle. What makes you think that you want to handle it later if you're trying to put it off now you might as well get it done now cuz it'll never get done later.

Oh Oh ... stand back up ... don't sit in front of that TV... my mother called it a boob tube for a refund.  The more time you spend watching television the less time you spend getting important things done. There will be enough time for that later.

Setting unreasonable goals for yourself is  real self sabotage ... I know, you want to be at a certain point by a certain time... make sure that your goals are achievable and still big enough to get you excited thinking about about them.

You are in the here and now... Right now this second you are here... Don't think that tomorrow will be better ... That is still a form of procrastination ... I can do it tomorrow ... I can make it better tomorrow... This is the time and place for which you can make improvement ... Right here and right now this moment ... stay optimistic stay in the present moments' positive feelings and you will achieve.

Don't think of pass attempts and failures everybody makes mistakes ... Learn from them! Don't be afraid of failure failure is not the end of everything it is the reorganization of something.....

There is a flip side to failure and that is success... You are worthy of success... You are worthy of all life has to offer don't let yourself stand in the way don't prevent yourself from achieving happiness.

The good thing is you don't have to change everything today... today don't give in to your addiction.... it doesn't mean that you can't make it impact on your life today, but what it does mean is trying to change our selves all at once becomes overwhelming.

Lies lies and more lies how many lies can I tell myself and still believe it.
This is one of the biggest forms of self-sabotage there is pulling the wool over our own eyes. ... Lying to others will only last a little while but lying to yourself only waste time and get you nowhere. In order to make changes in your life you have to be honest with yourself ... to get better and to do better you have to give yourself a fair assessment and see where you really stand. How can you expect to make changes in your life if you're always sugar coating your situations? Get real with yourself and get busy changing that reality!

It hurts today

It has been one of those weeks ...  were nothing  works.... My foot hip and back are killing me.   So grateful for alternative medicine .....codeine makes me throw up..... Soma got me nauseous ....tramadol doesnt work..... The doctors won't give me what works and whenever I mention pain medicine they look at me like I'm a drug seeker...  ... I am grateful for alternative medicines.

My ortho appointment is until july 10th all whole month after my injury this is crazy. I do my best to deal with the pain and not take any medicine at all but sometimes there is just too much and it hurts to bad and I can't deal with it.

So for this evening I will be sipping alternative tea. Still living my life one day at a time grateful for my sobriety.

Tooth pain

I turned 50 on January 27 2014 which was last Monday. On Wednesday I got 3 teeth pulled... (beginning work for my top dentures).... (time to work on my 50 year old smile.)... on Friday I went back to them because I was in so much pain and had a weird taste in my mouth.... I asked the dentist for antibiotics he examined me and he assured me that I didn't need them I would be fine soft food for one week...

I'm in so much pain right now it is ridiculous.... I have taken motrin... waited for hours.... tylenol with codeine ....waited for hours . ... and took a tramadol and I am so much in pain still...... I'm about to ice it again now.

Theres gotta be something wrong this is crazy it hurts as much today as it did when I got it pulled. It's not as swollen but it is still a little swollen.

I am getting sleepy.....maybe I can sleep the pain away.

Fabulous at 50

So this is my birthday month and I am turning 50 years old on the 27th of January..... there is a lot of thought that is going into that. On the outside my appearance is changing; my face is changing with wrinkles and lines ....  age spots are accumulating on my hands and arms....
As  I look back through the years I see where I did not prepare for today at all.  Especially not mentally I mean 50 years was a long time ago where has all the time gone ..... I want to live to be a hundred and two, seriously!

So this is the beginning of my Fabulous Fifty.... my next 50 years that it is!

I love who I am

I don't know how I feel today .... the past couple of days has been understandably defined.... Either one pain or another ... but today it is not a pain... just this weird sensations in my body at any given moment ... my stomach feels weird, my chest (lungs); and of course my thinking is all over the place. For those that don't know I had a biopsy of my uterus last Monday and they put me to sleep; that is what the above description is all about. It is crazy I am one of those people that can feel everything. Like slightest tingle; I some times think I can feel my blood moving in my leg. But I can't it is just nerve damage that makes it tingle like that.... they say. Hey you know that putting me to sleep thing kinda freaked me out ..... I ain't gonna lie...... It really did! You know most of my problems are in my body .... like arthritis, bulging disc, muscle spasms; But surgery on my uterus.... look I want to live to be about 102 fo real doe .... I want to drive my great-grand-babies nuts... lol.... so I gotta do what I gotta do to stay healthy. ..... I can't wait to see just how my life plays out. .... lol .... I was just looking back through my Facebook and looking at what it says about me..... I was pleased with what I saw.... I do believe the things that I post on Facebook and I do my best to live by them .... I like who I am. I will be 9 years clean and sober in October .... I love my new life .... do I understand it; no not really ... but I sure love it. Just putting some thoughts to paper .... lol (air)

Grateful

I am grateful to the rooms of recovery AA/CA for the love and for the lack of love that I have received through out the years. My Home-group is the 185 in Altadena, CA. For them I am truly grateful. I have received much love and just enough lack of love to make me stay and learn a lot about ME .... When I first moved out to IE in 2006(Fontana) .... I was treated like a total stranger, an alien, a unwanted creature .... yet I am truly grateful for that too.... for about a year after moving to the IE (Fontana) I still went to Altadena to go to meetings .... I would do one or two out here if I didn't have gas but it was so uneasy .... it just didn't feel natural .... I tried and tried to give it a chance but the more I tried the worst it felt .... So I dug deeper into the Big Book, the 12 n 12 and worked on ME! I am still connected to some people in the rooms but not really the rooms. ... The good thing is it made me grow up and I am no longer addicted to the meetings.... Today I go to meetings out of enjoyment and not desperation. I will never be cured but I am done!